[Sticky] On the lighter side: fast jokes and humor to pass the day  

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GregBO
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25/09/2018 8:09 pm  

Airport Control Tower:  "What is your height and position?"

Pilot "53 Clicks": "I'm 5'10" and I'm sitting down."

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A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."


Batter up!

​"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland


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Don Keyknob
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25/09/2018 9:17 pm  
Posted by: It'sallbs

I got told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn’t have children. Three weeks after he told me that, my girlfriend was pregnant. Who’s the daddy!

I got off with a girl who tried pulling a oopsie on me first night . She was planning on a new 6 month gestation period instead of the normal 9!!! 🤨  

I've got a calendar you know!!!

 

Guy says to his girlfriend "I want you and the dog to come fishing with me". The girlfriend tells him that she doesn't want to go cos she'd rather watch tv and chill. He says to her "Ok, I'll give you 3 options. Option 1 you come fishing with me. Option 2 you let me fuck you up your ass. Option 3 you suck my cock". She thinks about it and quickly decides on option 3. After she finished sucking his cock, she starts complaining and says "Eurghh...your cock tastes like shit"!!!  

The guy replies..."I know.....the dog didn't want to go fishing either"!!!!


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frog
 frog
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26/09/2018 3:51 am  

Two Martians visit earth and they land near a closed gas station. They walk up to the gas pump and the first Martian goes "take me to your leader". The gas pump says nothing so the Martian repeats his request. The pumps still silent, but the Martians getting pissed. "If this guy don't talk soon, I'm going to blast him."  "I wouldn't do that", says the second Martian, "he looks bad to me."  "I'm not afraid", says the first Martian, and when his third request is ignored he shoots the gas pump. Of course the pump blows up, and sends them flying. They get up and while dusting themselves off, the first Martian says "Damn, he was bad, how'd you know that? " The second Martian replied "anyone who can wrap their dick around their waist and stick it in their ear has got to be bad."


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GregBO
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26/09/2018 1:26 pm  

The guy replies..."I know.....the dog didn't want to go fishing either"!!!! Bad Don K, Bad Don K .... but I will admit that the joke was very funny!  🤣 

​"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland


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GregBO
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26/09/2018 1:45 pm  

A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn comes in to take a piss.

Well, the man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised, "Bubba, whats your secret?"

Bubba says"well, every night before I go to get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times."

So the man decides to try it that very night. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says"Bubba, is that you?"

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Could this have been created because of Old School and friends?  🤣  🤔  😏 

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

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​"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland


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GregBO
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26/09/2018 1:52 pm  

Frog, this is a classic that I never tire of reading again!  Thanks for the smile this morning.

Batter up!

​"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland


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Don Keyknob
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26/09/2018 3:40 pm  

I saw John McEnroe by himself at the tennis courts .Feeling sorry for him, I asked him if he fancied doubling up. He said "Yeah, sure", so I kicked him straight in the bollocks!!


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GregBO
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27/09/2018 12:30 am  

Q: What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?

A: A power failure. 

-----------------------------------------------

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?

A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one. 
--------------------------------------------

Q: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women?

A: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

​"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland


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Hitman
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27/09/2018 6:46 pm  

how do you piss off a Martha Stewart( feminist) twice in a row?

fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick off on her curtains...

.

young couple plan their wedding and set the date.

they decide to postpone sex until the wedding night..

after the big day it's finally that time .

the groom is VERY nervous

the bride asks what's wrong and he answers,

"you know, it's just that i'm scared to have sex because women have teeth in their vaginas".

she says that's absurd,

so she decides to show him.

as she pulls back her undies to show her vagina she says" see no teeth down there" 

to which he replies,

"of course not, just  look at the condition of your GUMS...!!! "

hahhahahaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

men, we are on our own. the best you can hope for is good company along the way. the good company is here.


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GregBO
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28/09/2018 1:51 pm  
Posted by: Hitman

how do you piss off a Martha Stewart( feminist) twice in a row?

fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick off on her curtains...

.

young couple plan their wedding and set the date.

they decide to postpone sex until the wedding night..

after the big day it's finally that time .

the groom is VERY nervous

the bride asks what's wrong and he answers,

"you know, it's just that i'm scared to have sex because women have teeth in their vaginas".

she says that's absurd,

so she decides to show him.

as she pulls back her undies to show her vagina she says" see no teeth down there" 

to which he replies,

"of course not, just  look at the condition of your GUMS...!!! "

hahhahahaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Choice Hitman!  I have several dentist friends that I'll share this with.

​"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland


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GregBO
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28/09/2018 1:53 pm  

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for £1 million?

Woman: Why Winston, yes I would.

Churchill: What about £10?

Woman: What sort of woman do you think I am?

Churchill: We have already established what sort of woman you are, now we are just negotiating the price.

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“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the Doctor soothed, “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.

“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”

“Oh crap!” the physician roared, “That means we’ve all got it!”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

​"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland


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GregBO
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04/10/2018 6:23 pm  

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.  When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

 

---------------------------------------------------

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house.   Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.  Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.

"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on.   By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. S  he was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.

"Don’t trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney.  When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."

So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.

"What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin’ out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"

​"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland


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uoSʎWodɹɐH
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05/10/2018 4:23 am  
OK had these 15 handy.
1
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,'Open the vault skank'. The woman says, 'Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don't have any money here'. The man says, 'Open the vault right now or im going to blow your fucking head off'. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, 'Take out one of those jars'. The woman said, 'please sir, i promise you we don't have any money here. This is a sperm bank'. The man said, 'Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your fucking head off'. The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, 'Take lid off and swallow it'. She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, 'Sir, this is sperm. Please, im not drinking sperm. We don't have any money here. Please leave'. The man says, 'Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your fucking head off'. So the womans takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said, 'See! It's not that fucking difficult is it'.

2
Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, redhead, and a blond) they were all pregnant. The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived. The blond starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
3
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !" "What about your best friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"

4

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him $400 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $500 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $700 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $700" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
 
5
Chicken and the Egg The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".
6

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

7

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. This goes on for a half an hour and the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." After thinking it over in a reassurring tone, the bartender asked. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?". "Yeah, except today is the last night."
\
8

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

9
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda, no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

10

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." "That's not so bad, what's the big deal?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over." "Again?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." " So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail." "Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed." The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

11

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

12
Once there was a one eyed man who walked in to a pet shop He said "Hi I'd like to buy that parrot" The clerk said "I think that the bird will make fun of your one eye The guy laughingly says "I think I can deal with it" He gets the bird home and says "Polly want a cracker?" The bird replied "Fuck you you one eyed bastard" Then the guy hit the parrot on the head with a spoon He says "Polly want a cracker?" and the bird says "Fuck you you one eyed bastard" Then he puts the bird in the microwave for 30 seconds and says it again and again the bird says "Fuck you you one eyed bastard" So he puts it in the freezer and says he will come back in ten minutes He ends up falling asleep for 3 hours He wakes up and says "Oh shit the bird" He goes upstairs to get the bird, opens the freezer and sees the bird frozen solid with his middle finger up and one hand over his eye
 
13

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Is Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

14

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."

15

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

I was bound to be misunderstood, and I laugh at the idiots who misunderstand me! Kind mockery toward the well-intentioned and unfettered cruelty toward all would-be prison guards of my creative possibilities. In this way I learn to revel as much in misunderstanding as in understanding and take pleasure in worthy opponents. Making language fluid, flowing like a river, yet precise and pointed as a dirk, contradicts the socialistic purpose of language and makes for a wonderful verbal dance—a linguistic martial art with constant parries that hone the weapon that is the two edged sword of my mouth.


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Uly The Cunning
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05/10/2018 8:04 am  

A retired marine and his wife just get into bed for the night. Relaxing, the marine lets out a fart.

The wife, appalled, says to him, "What was that?"

"Touchdown," the marine responds and closes his eyes again. 

After a few minutes, the wife lets out a fart. "Tie game, " she tells her husband.

The marine thought about it for a second then forces out a squeaker of a fart. "Field goal," he says after.

The women responded with another fart, "I am winning 14 -10," she teased him. 

The marine, not to be outdone, pushed with all of his strength and accidentally shat the bed. 

"What the hell was that," the wife exclaimed.

"Half-time, switch sides," the marine answered.

"Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."
Groucho Marx: Duck Soup (1933)


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GregBO
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13/10/2018 6:10 pm  

Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing.

"Honey," he said, "I wish you'd sing the songs about Women's Day."

"That's nice of you, Bob," she said. "Why?"

"Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"

 

-------------------------------------------------------

Two boys go into a forest and walk around.

Suddenly they see a naked women, then one of the boys run away.

The other chases after him.

The boy asked "Why did u run away?"

The other said "My mom told me if i saw a naked women i'd turn to stone, i already felt something getting getting hard."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A woman is driving for 1st time on the highway.

Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.."

She replies: "Someone...? These rascals are in hundreds!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

 

​"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland


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GregBO
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15/10/2018 8:44 pm  

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”  He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”

The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”

“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”


A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. S

he lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

​"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland


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The Evil Genius
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16/10/2018 12:45 am  

GregBo that is TOO hilarious! 


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MG-ɹǝʍo┴
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16/10/2018 5:09 am  

Raising 5,000 cocks a year (around here) constitutes being almost a virgin!  


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Uly The Cunning
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16/10/2018 5:39 pm  

An economics class finishing their project to sell something of their own choosing and choosing only one method for sales, and were ready to report on their experiences.

"I sold sold ribbons that I made myself for a dollar each," Jenny said proudly, "making 117 dollars by using my networking of friends to make customers."

"I sold magazines for 3 dollars each," Sarah said, "making 141 dollars in all. I used local advertising boards to get customers."

" I made 1,340 dollars selling toothbrushes for a dollar," Jim announced. The class was bewildered. "I set up a free chip and dip stand on a busy street corner. One by one, each person would spit it out exclaiming 'it tastes like shit'. I would tell them it was shit, but they can buy a toothbrush for a dollar. My method was from Barack Obama, dressing up shit to look good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

"Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."
Groucho Marx: Duck Soup (1933)


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GregBO
Admin
Joined: 1 year ago
Posts: 2725
16/10/2018 6:28 pm  

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

 


At a dancing party a shy boy approached a girl and asked, "Will you dance with me, please?"

The arrogant girl says, "I don’t dance with a kid."

The taken back boy apologized, "I am sorry, I did not realize you were pregnant."

​"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland


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